Let’s make one thing perfectly clear from the outset: I am a big advocate of getting married and having children. Lots of them. I just got started and I wish I would have started sooner. I can think of nothing else that is as rewarding as being a father.
And it not just the kids. There are few things as pleasant as watching your cute pregnant wife in the kitchen cooking a delicious dinner. It’s the way things are supposed to work.
So I am encouraging all my readers to get busy making babies. It’s safe, it’s great fun, and it will make the world a better place in the long run.
But there is one potential downside to this baby making business—if you are not careful it can ruin your wife’s body. As the husband, it is up to you to make sure that your precious investment does not depreciate in value. Here is the complete guide to protecting your investment and keeping your wife looking attractive.
Don’t Let Your Wife Become a Hambeast
This is the most important tip. At some point in the 20th century, women were told that pregnancy meant that they were eating for two. So women dutifully ate like two people—in some cases, like three people—trying to ensure their baby was healthy.
Yes, pregnancy does mean that a woman has some greater nutritional requirements, but it doesn’t come anywhere near the “eat for two” philosophy. When a baby pops out, they can consume about a milliliter of formula at a feeding. That’s not a lot. Certainly not a whole box of donuts.
The “eat for two” myth has been debunked by medicine, but it still persists with a lot of modern women. Maybe because it is an excuse to really go whole hog and eat the house.
But it is a bad idea because weight gain is the most destructive thing about pregnancy. When the weight gain is excessive, stretch marks, loose skin, and saggy boobs become more likely. The corollary is that when the weight gain is within healthy parameters, pregnancy will not destroy your wife’s body.
What are healthy parameters? Your wife should check with her ob/gyn to get the medically approved range. Of course it also depends on the starting point. My wife gained about 25 pounds with our first and she is tracking at about the same pace for our second.
How do you keep the weight within healthy parameters? We’ve found that the best way is to follow a relaxed paleo diet with plenty of fresh fruit and veg. Here is a typical day for my wife:
Breakfast: Two whole eggs, two slices of uncured bacon, fruit.
Lunch: Large salad (arugula, spinach, kale) with roasted chicken, tomatoes, carrots, and full fat ranch dressing.
Dinner: This can be anything but typically includes a carb like rice, cornbread, or sweet potato. The main portion of the meal consists of a meat and a large side of veg.
My wife eats dessert but it is usually only a small portion, like a quarter of a donut or a few chocolate chips.
For a while she was doing a personal pizza for lunch, but she started to gain weight more quickly so we went back to the paleo-esque diet.
If left to their own devices, women will gravitate toward eating carbohydrate laden food. Carb heavy foods also tend to be processed and packaged, which makes them a lot easier to eat. Having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a lot easier to make than a steak so a pregnant lady will be tempted to go with the path of least resistance.
This is where you come in. Before you knock up your wife, ensure that your whole family is eating a healthy, lower carb diet with plenty of protein. That way, when your heir apparent lands in your wife’s womb, no dietary change will be necessary.
Oil the Belly to Prevent Stretch Marks
Even if your wife does not gain excessive weight, there is no doubt about it, the baby stretches the belly out which increases the risk of stretch marks. One thing that really works in preventing the formation of stretch marks is Sweet Almond Oil. My wife learned this trick from other mothers.
We’ve been using the Molivera Organics oil with good results. I chose this brand mainly because it is not mixed with other oils and it is food grade. My reasoning is that if it is safe to ingest, it should be safe to put on my wife’s skin.
It’s my job to oil my wife’s belly every night. I am pretty generous with the oil making sure the entire belly is covered, including the sides.
Another misconception is that when women get pregnant, they must stop all strenuous activity. This is a big mistake as nine months of inactivity can have devastating effects on a woman’s body such as muscle loss, fat gain, and a reduction of cardio capacity.
Modern medicine has debunked this myth as well. A woman can continue to exercise for as long as she feels like it during her pregnancy. The only thing they advise is that pregnancy is not a time to take up a brand new exercise routine. So the key is to start your wife on a vigorous exercise routine before you start trying for a baby.
Other cultures don’t have the idea that pregnancy is a time to just lay around. My Chinese martial arts teacher’s wife continued to practice acrobatic kung fu forms well into her eighth month.
My wife continued to run through both pregnancies up until in the middle of her seventh month. Around that time, the belly starts to get so big that it becomes ungainly and even uncomfortable to run. After that, we just went for long walks.
With regard to weights, I’ve read mixed feedback. My wife stopped lifting early in the pregnancy because it didn’t feel right. It is always a good idea to follow your intuition, so she stopped lifting but continued to do body weight calisthenics. That and the running kept her in shape.
I also believe that exercise is good for baby too as a healthy mommy is better able to provide for a healthy baby.
Your role in all of this is to exercise with your wife. A two or three mile run every other day should do it. There are also plenty of at-home exercise programs that can be done by men and women. My wife enjoys ChaLEAN Extreme and I like P90X. Both are great workouts for men or women. The only thing that will vary is the amount of weight that is used.
Get Started Young
As with anything else, it is easier to recover from a pregnancy if the woman is younger. Just from observation, it is clear that young mommies can have bodies that come through a pregnancy with almost no damage at all. Take advantage of this wonderful aspect of nature.
Celebrities provide us with the proof that it is possible for a woman to continue to have a great body even after having children.
Yes, I know. These are super models. They have genetically superior bone structures. I am sure that some photoshop is involved as well. But there is no escaping the fact that they’ve maintained awesome bodies even after having children.
How do they do it? It is pure discipline and hard work. In an interview, one of the models gave some insight into her diet, which is very strict. She also let it slip that she works out like a fiend. She can jump rope for an hour straight. That’s an elite level of fitness.
If you or your wife has delayed having babies because of the fear of what would happen to her body, fear not. With a healthy lifestyle, pregnancy doesn’t not destroy your wife’s body.
Update, January 2018:
For all the humorless feminists: this piece was written tongue in cheek. Of course I don’t think of my wife as an investment. That said, we do try to keep each other in shape. We do this because we love each other and want to be attractive for each other. Also, we want to be healthy so that we can lead long lives for ourselves and our children.
That said, all of the suggestions in the article are real, and in our experience, work. You are free to do whatever you like but don’t criticize people who want to maintain their health and appearance.
Soy Boy says
“If you or your wife has delayed having babies because of the fear of what would happen to her body, fear not. ”
Do people actually do this? Have babies later so they can have a good body for 5 or 10 more years?
Michael Sebastian says
There are women who don’t want to have a child because it will hurt their looks. As they get older, they experience a change of heart because they realize that there is more to life than just having fun and accumulating stuff. The end result is that they have delayed having children.
I don’t have any statistics of how many women feel this way, but I know a number of them.
Uh. Yes. Among other reasons. ..like becoming an ADULT before raising kids. The kid who wrote this article is super funny though.
‘Here is the complete guide to protecting your investment and keeping your wife looking attractive.’
I can’t believe you just refer to your wife as an investment.
Dawn M Isola says
I know right???
Really hoping this is a joke article lmao
This is one of the most sexist articles I’ve ever read.
You talk like the wife is an object. Very sexist and misogynistic. It’s ip to your wife to make those decisions for her own body because you’d love her no matter what her body looks like, right?
It is for sure the most sexist thing I have ever read.
I’ll never have kids. My body, my free time, my sleep, my money, is better off spent on me. I couldn’t imagine having some little alien sucking the life out of me just to rip it’s way out of my crotch. Then you have to feed it every couple hours or it could DIE and you’d be sent to jail? Fuck that. Too much pressure, too much expectations.
Thank you!! One of the few women who gets it.
Personally I think this is great advise. You’d end up with a wife that knows you love her body. As you feed and care for her and enjoy the experience with her.
I just think the man should massage his wife with the oil.
Cook all those wonderfully healthy meals after shopping for the ingredients.
And take his wife and spend time with her in the gym.
Sounds like the perfect husband. And one that’s willing to understand when all his efforts may still result in startch marks, weight gain and a changed vagina.
diet otaku says
The perfect husband does not think of his wife as an “investment” to be controlled lest she become a “hambeast,” horror of horrors. He does not think of “wife barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” as “the way things should be.” He is aware that 98% of the physical changes a woman goes through in pregnancy are beyond anyone’s control. And he knows they’re called STRETCH marks, not starch marks.
No you wouldn’t, you’d end up with a wife who is more I secure that ever who thinks all you care about is looks, no matter what we do we are gonna get old and if you’re not genetically built to come out of pregnancy unscathed you won’t, no amount of diet or exercise can save your boobs and belly if your mother had saggy boobs and stretch marks you probably will too, and trust me once you’re pregnant you will hate your partner of he starts acting like this
I think u are ugly and u compare women with Miranda Kerr? Let’s see your picture
People who think this is sexist are in denial. Yes, if the woman turns into a whale the husband will (or should) still love her. It will, however, kill his sex drive for her, especially if he is used to she being hot.
Actually, the loss of sex drive normally occurs for women post childbirth, usually due to stress, hormones, post-natal depression or lack of confidence in their postnatal bodies. Perhaps THOSE factors are what husbands should be focussing on, not the shit in this guy’s article. P.S., If my partner could recite my entire diet for a typical day I would be downright scared. Talk about controlling.
diet otaku says
Dude, “your wife is an investment” is absolutely sexist, 1000%. “Wife pregnant in the kitchen cooking dinner is the way things should be” is sexist. The notion that it is the man’s responsibility to control his wife’s eating and exercise so she doesn’t “become a hambeast” is sexist AND fat-shaming. There is nothing in this article that isn’t repugnantly objectifying towards women.
Wow, hat a misogynistic asshole.
Mountain lion says
You’re a prick
Can you please make an article instead about how men get fat and ugly as they age and they’re not even growing a baby in their stomachs for 9 months.
You must look like the statue of David or something. Your poor wife.
Next article “How to prevent middle age from turning your husband into a bald, pot-bellied waste of oxygen”
Strictly Control his diet.
No beer, ever
Save now for hair plugs
Let him know his looks are the ONLY thing that matters to you
Put that fatty on a treadmill asap
Protect your investment
You forgot to disclose that if your wife has twins or develops a medical condition such as eclampsia, exercise and good eating will not save the body. Twins take up more room and more often than not, cause stretch marks. Eclampsia causes water retention swelling that takes a few days post-pregnancy to completely go away — ton the tube of easily 15 pounds of water gained within a week. There are other conditions besides lack of controlled eating that can ruin the body.
You probably should’ve mentioned you should still love your wife if her body is ruined beyond anything she can control.
Eh. Dude’s a troll.
Dan M says
Yeah, purely a troll….obviously wanted to piss people off. The dude, that wrote this is probably beating off to all these comments. 😂
Omg, you’re a fucking idiot, you know all those pics of celebrities are photoshopped right, I feel so sorry for your wife lucky for her she must be genetically blessed coz all the crap you said wouldn’t make any difference if she wasn’t, a woman’s body isn’t ruined after pregnancy, its men like you making it hard for other men because women start believing all men think like you
This might even be good advice, but I can’t take it in because of the ridiculous sexist tones throughout this piece. You objectify your wife like she has this “optimal” state you have to keep her in, and that women ought to all make babies and live in the kitchen. Ugh, men like you are what women like me avoid like the plague.
Is this for real? Surely not. What an absolute load of utter gash! Total misogynistic, sexist retard. I feel so sorry for your wife and your kids having a husband/father who’s primary instinct is to “protect his investment” . God forbid your kids should pop out ugly! Pregnancy and childbirth changes a woman’s body FOREVER whether she gains a little or a lot of weight. And for the record, NO AMOUNT OF OIL RUBBED IN TO THE SKIN WILL PREVENT STRETCH MARKS!!! It’s genetic; you either get them or you don’t you moron!!
Great article. There are waaaaay too many butt hurt liberal feminists commenting though. Get a life ladies. You are probably fat haha.
Dan M says
I’m sure the majority of women responding are the types, that your husband lust over and wish he could cheat with. 😄
You care about your wife obviously! Couldn’t you do it without calling her an investment?
With so many complexities like gestational diabetes and bone deformities arising due to rapid weight gains, I cannot understand why you have to express your concern for as her as a measure to keep her “attractive”.
I am pretty sure you care about your wife and your future kid’s health more than her looks. Couldn’t you mention that?
The sad part is you seem like a person with the heart at the right place but a person who would hurt his wife. (trust me I’m a woman!)
No one cares says
People say this is sexist but it’s actually very considerate. Women hating their bodies after pregnancy is an epidemic. The end result of the tasks in this article is a great body which all women strive for. Is it not? You need discipline to accomplish that. What better discipline than your own man helping you accomplish this; being with you every step of the way to make you and him and your baby happy and healthy? The truth is most women have to force themselves to love their ruined bodies because there’s just nothing else they can do other than getting plastic surgery. But I know there are moments of reflection where they wish they were more health conscious during their pregnancy. I just really can’t understand how people are so sensitive to facts.
😂😂 what an unbelievably ridicules article. You are my friend a complete moron.
Firstly, the stretch marks are only and only dependant on genetics. I am a living proof. Oiled myself religiously every day in my first pregnancy: no streach marks. Didn’t in my second one: no streach marks. I was a really slimm, tonned size 8(Australia) before my first baby and was back to really slimm, tonned size 8 within a year. No loose skin on my tummy whatsoever, so the lack of streach marks in my second pregnancy was not due to some extra space. It’s simple genetics.
Ok. Let’s tackle weight gain. I am a very active, healthy person. Always had a great figure due to good genes and my love of sport.
I have gained 40lbs (20kg) in my first pregnancy. I gained a huge portion of that in the first three months. The constant nausea was only subsiding with eating carbs, carbs and more carbs.. I work full time as a professional, so I couldn’t just lay in bed and feel sick. I had to get on with it. And to do it I had to eat every hour or less. My normal diet is very healthy not because it needs to be. I simply love cooking and I love eating healthy. But in the weeks 6-14 of my pregnancy, all I could eat was CARBS.
I carry big babies. Both my son and daugter were close to 10lbs (5kg). Let me tell you something: in the last two months of my pregnancy I could barely move. I was in pain. I couldn’t sleep. I was hot. I was fucking miserable. So yes. And I was hungry. ALL THE TIME. Dieting is really not a priority at this time.
Year after my son was born, I was as slimm and tonned as I was before.
Second baby 5 years later: pretty much the same story.
Now: excersing… are you fucking kidding me?? The only time I could excersize was the middle three months. Beginning: nausea, end: couldn’t move. And thats coming from someone who normally surfs, runs, cycles, does weigt training and does ballet 2-3 times a week.
So to conclude: FUCK YOU. You are a dumbass.
This is absolutely deplorable. Women are biologically made to have kids. Their breasts will not be perfect and round into their sixties, they won’t go through several pregnancies without a single stretch mark or spider-vein, men with unrealistic expectations are the ones who hold these high requirements. A real man would understand that his wife is carrying their child and creating a life is more important than “maintaining the value of his ‘investment’”.
Chris Brennan says
You are a Catholic gentleman, correct? Do you think any of the saints would use “boobs” to refer to a woman’s body? And please leave out the pictures of near-naked women. Also not appropriate for a Catholic blog.
It doesn’t take a feminist to know you’re a misogynistic dumbass. Seriously- I feel sorry for your wife. There are no words to describe the anger I’m feeling towards you. You shouldn’t even have a family with that attitude. With child bearing there comes wear and tear. YOU don’t have to experience the sheer pain and torture that woman goes through. How dare you.
Your mind is about to be blown, my dude.
Those hot “models” with superior genes you posted are all fucking MEN. Look at the long torsos. The Adonis belts. Women don’t have those parts. Women are soft. Women have curves. Women have estrogen. Women have fat under their skin.
These are men with zero body fat and lean muscle mass and FAKE TITS. GROSS MAN!! MEN DON’T HAVE UTERUSES. MEN DON’T HAVE A WIDE PELVIS TO BIRTH A BABY. You are posting pics of a bunch of nasty Victoria’s Secret trannies.
What hell have you put your poor wife through?? Good grief WAKE THE FUCK UP MAN! YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO LECTURE OR OFFER ADVICE. Give that poor woman some carbohydrates.